Children Over Happiness: Rethinking Parenthood in a Self-Centred Era

By Fred Allan Nyankuru

In today’s cultural climate, we are witnessing an alarming trend where the dissolution of marriages and relationships is increasingly rationalised under the mantra of “personal happiness.” Social media feeds are filled with posts —sometimes veiled threats, sometimes outright blackmail, where one parent, usually the mother, calls out the father for not being present in the lives of children after a breakup. The message often reads the same: “Men must care for their children even if they separate from the mothers, because tomorrow’s children will not search for absentee fathers.”

At face value, this sounds like a noble admonition. But scratch beneath the surface, and one uncovers an uncomfortable truth that society is reluctant to acknowledge: many fathers are rendered “absent” not because of indifference, but because of systematic manipulation, exclusion, and alienation, even when they continue to provide financially and attempt to fulfil their fatherly role.

Parental alienation is not a myth. Recorded instances abound of children being poisoned against their fathers, sometimes subtly through disparaging remarks, sometimes aggressively through outright denial of access. And this is not confined to cases where men walk away after a breakup. Even fathers who stay in the home, who provide, who engage, often find themselves battling the corrosive influence of a partner intent on reshaping the child’s perception of them.

The result? A generation of children who grow up with a skewed narrative: “Dad never cared, Dad never tried.” And yet, fathers, aware of these manipulations, are increasingly asking themselves why they should later be expected to embrace children who were raised in direct contradiction to their values, their principles, and often their very character.

It is not indifference but disillusionment that explains the stance of many modern men. They are not interested in forging relationships with children who have been moulded in an environment alien to them —children raised exclusively under the values of mothers who, in many cases, rejected the father’s role in the first place.

This may sound harsh, but it is the reality: many men are unwilling to extend themselves to bonds that were deliberately sabotaged. And society must come to terms with the fact that paternal detachment in such scenarios is not merely negligence, but sometimes a form of self-preservation in the face of manipulation.

Here lies the heart of the matter. Somewhere along the way, we redefined the purpose of marriage. It ceased to be an institution built around duty, sacrifice, and the upbringing of children, and it became a platform for adult self-fulfilment.

But here is an uncomfortable truth: marriage was never meant to be a happiness project. Happiness is fleeting, subjective, and often selfish. Marriage, by contrast, was meant to be workable. A framework where two adults bind themselves to a higher responsibility —raising children in stability, in balance, and in an environment where they experience both masculine and feminine influence.

When adults put their “happiness” above the welfare of their children, they are not enlightened; they are selfish. A child does not need two happy but separate parents as much as they need two present and cooperative ones. Stability and unity far outweigh temporary adult thrills.

If society is to heal from the brokenness we now see —the absentee fathers, the manipulated children, the bitterness that plays out in adulthood —we must reframe our understanding of family. We must return to a time when parents sacrificed for their offspring, when they chose endurance over escape, when they understood that life is not about chasing personal joy but about cultivating continuity, stability, and legacy.

Children are not experiments. They are Not collateral in the pursuit of fleeting adult emotions. They deserve more than to be raised in a battlefield of bitterness where one parent demonises the other. They deserve a father and a mother who prioritise the workability of their union over the illusion of endless happiness.

The modern worship of “my happiness” has birthed a generation of fractured families. Yet history teaches us that civilisations thrived not on selfish pursuits but on sacrifice. The family is the smallest unit of civilisation; when it breaks down, society breaks down.

Parents —both fathers and mothers —must resist the lure of self-centredness and embrace the hard truth: we live not for ourselves, but for those who come after us. If that means sacrificing comfort, enduring tension, or choosing duty over desire, then so be it. The measure of our lives is not how happy we were, but how well we prepared our children to build after us.