Marriage In Hebrews 13:4-5

Marriage: A Holy Hand Grenade Against Holy Matrimony (Just Kidding, Kinda)

Marriage is an institution that has been both praised as a heavenly haven and mocked as a ball and chain since, well, forever. But before we dive into the usual sappy sonnets or snarky stand-up routines, let’s crack open Hebrews 13:4-5 and see what it has to say about this whole “two-become-one” shebang.

First off, it throws down the gauntlet: marriage is honourable, yo! Not just for some, not just for the lucky ones who snag the perfect unicorn spouse, but for everyone. This ain’t a competition for the cutest couple or the longest Instagram bio. It’s a dance of two souls, a messy, magnificent tango of love, support, and yes, even the occasional perfectly-timed fart (because let’s be real, that’s true intimacy). 🙈🙈

Now, about that “undefiled bed” business. No, it’s not about keeping your sheets pristine (although that’s always appreciated, honey). It’s about respecting the sacred space you’ve created, the covenant you’ve made. No room for infidelity here, folks(nikusikie na mpango wa kando, msheeew!). It’s not just a betrayal of your partner, it’s a cosmic whoopie cushion to the whole concept of commitment.

But wait, there’s more! The passage then tackles the ever-present gremlin of greed, that pesky “love of money” that can turn a marriage into a battleground for the remote and the last slice of Ingokho. It’s a gentle reminder to keep your eyes on the prize, folks. It’s not about the McMansion or the matching cars, it’s about the laughter shared over burnt barbecue, the whispered secrets under a starlit sky(or under the blue-gum bushes of Emanyulia). Be content with what you have, because trust me, true love is richer than any diamond ring (and way less likely to accidentally drop into the pit latrines of Navakholo).

And finally, the grand finale: “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Boom! Mic drop, wapi nduru weweeee!!. This ain’t just a line from a cheesy Hallmark movie, it’s a promise from the Big Guy Himuselefu. Even when the honeymoon phase fades and the dishes pile up, even when you trip over each other’s quirks and stub your toes on your own expectations, remember this: you’re in this together. And guess what? You’ve got the ultimate backup, the cosmic cheerleader who won’t leave until the final curtain call. The big Fella on high.

So, there you have it, folks. Marriage: not a walk in the park, but a hilarious, heart-warming, and occasionally hair-pulling adventure with the person who knows how to make you laugh even when you’re crying (and vice versa 😏😏). Embrace its messiness, cherish its sanctity, and remember, even when you’re tempted to throw a holy hand grenade at your spouse’s annoying habits (figuratively speaking, of course!), that you’re not alone. You’ve got God on your side, and maybe, just maybe, that’s enough to make it work. Now go forth, lovebirds, and make that marriage bed undefiled (unless it’s part of the tango, then by all means, make it a wild ride 🤪🤪).

P.S. Don’t forget to laugh. Seriously, laughter is the duct tape that holds this whole marriage thing together. Laugh at your quirks, laugh at your fights, laugh at those THPPTPHTPHPHHPH disgusting farts under the blanket, laugh until you snort milk out your nose. Because honestly, what’s life without a little bit of snort-worthy laughter, especially with the person who knows exactly how to make you do it?

Happy and prosperous 2024 from the biggest writing clown in town.

THE PARADOX

The Curious Case of Broken Vows and Burgeoning Seminars: Can Celebrity Counsellors Crack the Code?

There's a curious paradox plaguing the hallowed halls of matrimony. Marriages crumble like stale biscuits, divorce lawyers clink champagne glasses like celebratory bongo-players, and yet, marriage counsellors sprout like weeds after a downpour. Seminars promising marital nirvana fill calendars, workshops on "rekindling the spark" sell out faster than Kanye's Twitter account, and self-proclaimed love gurus, more bronze tan than bona fide wisdom, dominate every talk show podium. So, where's the disconnect? Are we a society hopelessly inept at love, or are the shepherds guiding our bleating hearts more enamoured with fame than fixing fractured unions?

Let's peel back the layers on this matrimonial onion. The celebrity counsellor, often armed with a smile as dazzling as their teeth, dispenses pronouncements like confetti at a Kardashian wedding. They're experts in the art of the soundbite, weaving feel-good platitudes that evaporate faster than a politician's promise. Their books, ghost-written by interns fuelled by instant ramen, climb bestseller lists on the wings of hype, not substance. Their seminars, overflowing with PowerPoint slides and audience selfies, offer cookie-cutter solutions for problems as diverse as snowflakes. In their quest for global domination and Instagram followers, they forget the fundamental truth: every marriage is a bespoke tapestry, woven with unique threads of joy, struggle, and everything in between. 

It's not that every counsellor is a charlatan in a cashmere turtleneck. There are genuine souls out there, toiling in the trenches of heartbreak, armed with years of experience and a genuine desire to mend hearts. But they're often overshadowed by the glitz and glamour of the "celebrity therapist." Their voices, grounded in reality and devoid of sensationalism, get lost in the cacophony of self-promotion.

So, what's the cure for this epidemic of broken vows and burgeoning seminars? Perhaps a dose of reality, served with a side of humour. We need counsellors who aren't afraid to laugh at the absurdity of love, who understand that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and that sometimes, the finish line involves separate bedrooms and Netflix accounts. We need therapists who ditch the PowerPoint presentations and engage in real conversations, messy and unscripted, where vulnerabilities are shared like cocktail recipes and tears are as common as laughter.

And maybe, just maybe, we need to take a step back from the seminar circuit and rediscover the art of communication. Talk to your partner, not at them. Listen, really listen, with ears uncluttered by the static of self-help gurus. Remember, love isn't a problem to be solved, it's a dance to be enjoyed, even when the music stutters and your partner steps on your toes.

So, the next time you're tempted to book that weekend getaway with the celebrity counsellor promising to "reignite your passion," pause. Look at your partner, the one who knows the secret code to your laughter, the one who's witnessed your worst hair days and loved you through them all. Maybe all you need is a shared bottle of wine, a walk in the rain, and a whispered reminder: "We're in this together, even when it's messy. And, hey, at least we're not those people with the matching his-and-hers tracksuits from the seminar."

Because in the end, the greatest counsel often comes not from a stage or a book, but from the quiet corners of our own hearts, where love, with all its flaws and frills, whispers its own unique wisdom. And that, my friends, is a seminar worth attending.